Humor-Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?
It was a long day before I settled into my easy chair to watch the “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” television game show. After fading off into dreamland I suddenly became a contestant-The first payroll professional selected to be win the $1 million. No more deadlines, demands, or the stress of everyday work life as I moved closer to the American dream of fame and fortune.
The first challenge was to be the fastest contestant who could sort 4 very intellectual items in the correct order. If I succeeded I would gain my instant stardom.
Regis: Put the following W-2s in order by the years they occurred: (a) 1957 W-2, (b) 1951 W-2 (c) 1999 W-2: (d) 1972 W-2.
Howard: I’m a good person, please let me be selected.
Regis: The correct answer is: (b) 1951 W2, (a) 1957 W-2, (d) 1972 W-2 and (c) 1999 W-2. The winner in the fastest time is Howard Freedman, a payroll professional and a CPP.
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Regis introduced me and told the audience that payroll only does checks. This elevated my blood pressure and prompted me to tell the worldwide audience what payroll really does. Unfortunately he pre-empted my rebuttal with, Hair Loss and Drano commercials.
Regis: Well Howard, tell us who you brought with you to the show tonight.
Howard: Well Regis, I brought Alan Greenspan, Jesse Ventura and Linda Tripp, a school, friend who used to tell on me all the time.
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Regis: Well good luck. You know how the game works. You have 3 lifelines. You Can: poll the audience, do a 50/50 or call a friend for help. Are you ready to play the game?
Howard: Lets do it.
Regis: Here is your first question for $100. The W-2 form that employees receive begins with which letter of the alphabet? (a) Q, (b) F, (c) Y, (d) W
Howard: The correct answer is (d) W
Regis: Correct, you won a $100.
Regis: We will jump to the $64,000 question since you are doing so well. Here it is: Which country is first credited with popularizing the term FICA? (a) Cuba, (b) Turkey, (c) USA; (d) Russia.
Howard: I’ll have to use one of my lifelines. Let’s poll the audience.
Regis: The audience selected (b) Turkey as the most popular answer followed by (c) USA.
Howard: I think the term FICA was used to mean “Stick It To You” in Turkish but I also know that it was a question on the certification exam. I’ll gamble and select (c), USA
Regis: Is that your final answer?
Howard: Don’t drag this out Regis. That’s my answer
Regis: You’ve won $64,000.
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Regis: Well you have proceeded nicely up to $250,000 and have 2 lifelines left. Let’s go for the $500,000 question. Here it is: In what year did President Roosevelt sign a “Pay as you go federal income tax bill? (a) 1492, (b) 1000BC (c) 1943. (d) 2015
Howard: I think income tax has been around for a long time, but tax tables in 1000BC could be chiseled in marble and could not be mailed. It probably took almost 1600 years to 1492 when Columbus discovered the first paper tax table, but I am still uncertain of the correct answer. I’ll use my second life line with my 50/50.
Regis: The two remaining answers are (c) 1943 and (d) 2015 What will your final answer be?
Howard: I think Roosevelt died after 1943 so my final answer is (c) 1943.
Regis: The correct answer is (c) 1943. You won $500,000.
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Regis: This is the moment that we all have been waiting for, the $1 million prize. Here is the question: What is the likelihood that the capital gains tax will be eliminated in 2010? The choices are:
(a) Beats me, (b) I Dunn no, (c) Maybe, (D) I’ll take an educated guess.
Howard: There is so much at stake here. I want to use my third lifeline to call a friend or expert
Regis: Ok-Who do you want to call?
Howard: I think I would like to call my friends at the IRS
Regis: I didn't thoink that you had any friends at the IRS, but you have 30 seconds to ask your question starting now: Ring, Ring.
Howard: Hellomy name is Melvin Nerdstein: “You have reached the recorded line form the IRS, there is no one here to answer your call so please leave your name and number.” Oh no!
Regis: Your 30 seconds ran out a long time ago. I am sorry to say that this is the first time that an available lifeline took more than 30 seconds. Your choice is to keep the $500,000 or go for the million
Howard: I’ll go for the $ 1 million. I wish I didn’t get a recorded message but I need the money so, “I’ll have to take an educated guess”.
Regis: Final answer (d) I’ll take an educated guess
Howard: Final answer, I guess
Regis: Congratulations you have won the $1 million. Here is the $1 million dollar check to show our television audience and the real net check for $325,000 less federal and state income taxes and processing fees.
Howard: No, No, I want it grossed up so I can net the $1 million dollars. I want to be a millionaire not a two-thirds millionaire. I’ve been ripped off.
Regis: The first winner was an IRS agent and now we have to get someone like you. We know how you feel-but “Who Wants to be a Grossed Up Millionaire” was not a good name for this show.
Howard: When I awoke in a cold sweat, my dream of making my first grossed up million was over. I’ll just get myself stressed up for another day’s hard work and try to make an honest living, the hard way.
